Sounds of Silence

People talking without speaking

People listening without hearing

People writing songs that voices never share

and no one dared

Disturb the sounds of silence

Sounds of Silence by Paul Simon (1964)

This picture was one that I grew up with. It hung in my parents room and I was often lost in the tone and composition of the picture. It is from PIcasso's blue period and was composed when he was mourning the loss of a dear friend. This painting does not remind me of the loss of friends but rather the loss of myself.

Loneliness is an interesting concept to consider, normally it would be viewed as being alone or lacking any company. This of course is something that as a mother I often wish for. I often wonder what the different forms of loneliness can be that are experienced beyond just a simple physical definition. 

Last year I visited New York City. At first it is a city that deceives you with its lights, busyness, chatter, noise, street shops and people trying to sell you things from all directions. It was easy to spot the tourists, their eyes were dazed in wonder at the sights around them. But looking deeper into the crowd there were the faces that focused on their destination, there were the homeless that wondered what seemed aimlessly and in Central Park amidst the couples snuggling on the luscious green grass were the people sitting by themselves on the bench feeding pigeons. In a city of so many people it would be easy to begin to feel lonely, although you are constantly surrounded by people there can also be a sense of isolation. Silence in the noise.

Isolation is a very lonely place to be. One form of isolation that I have personally experienced is that of Anxiety. I have always been an anxious person, however, it has become harder as I have gained more responsibility in my life. In my anxiety I have often found myself walking a double edged sword. On one side I crave human company that will help me feel like I am significant, not just another face in the crowd. However, on the other side I can often allow my anxiety to create barriers with people. I want to crawl up and be left alone. In moments of anxiety I feel isolated and excluded. Loneliness seeps into my thoughts and creates a perpetual feeling of hopelessness. 

I love this painting. It is of course sad and the turned back of the woman to the viewer shows a definite separation between the artist and the subject. However, this was a very common pose of models when studying forms in art schools. Subject matter so simple is given so much depth in Picasso's choice of colour and the boldness of outline that defines the space of the subject. The subject has no reference point and is suspended within her own isolation. 

This artwork reminds me of the calm that comes during moments of hopelessness. Anxiety will always be something that I have to manage, it will never cease to plague my mind, however, there is always the calm that comes as my husband comforts me, as my friends send messages to check on me, as I make the choice to immerse myself in the joys of life, as I pray for God to comfort and alleviate my mind and also when I walk along the beach. 

Loneliness is something we will all feel at some point, whether it be in childhood, teenage years, work life, marriage, singleness, separation and old age. As we walk the double edged sword in these moments, we also have the power to choose to reach out and ask for that help we so desperately need. 

She's a Full-On Monet

Tai: Do you think she's pretty? 

Cher: No, she's a full-on Monet. 

Tai: What's a monet? 

Cher: It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess.

Clueless (1995)

Who would have thought that such words of wisdom would exit the mouth of a teenage cult film of the 90's. The words of the film touch closer on reality than perhaps first perceived. In my love of art I have visited many art galleries and stood close to paintings similar to a Monet. For me there is much beauty at a distance and close up. The close up is not a big old mess, but rather a reflection on reality. Beauty found in chaos. 

At a distance we look into the lives of everyone around us. We see what others have or how others live and easily think that what we have boring, dull, wearisome in comparison. There is a part of us that wishes we could have the life we do not have. From a distance we are deceived, chaos forming a picture of perfection that really does not reflect the close-up. Up close we can begin to see the strokes that are erratic, leading in many directions. We can see the cracks that slowly appear in something that has been withstanding time. What we see up close is reality. It is not neat, it is messy. There is merely a slight outline of the possibilities that may come, however, the brush strokes and colours mix with an appearance of independence. Our lives are only somewhat controlled by our own decisions, most often our decisions are dictated by the chaos that surrounds us. 

I am a full-on Monet. From a distance many would not see the inner workings of my mind, nor do I let many, people would begin to see the cracks, the insecurities, the scars, the ups and downs, the slight wrinkles that have come with age. I am a big old mess. But there is beauty amongst the mess. There are many colours merging together, and although they don't always form a clear close up, from a distance they form who I am.

The Blue Waterlilies is an artwork that reminds me to refrain from judgement. To avoid coveting the lives of others. Everyone is living out a Monet artwork. There is beauty up close and at a distance, we just need to be open to seeing it for what it really is...A big old mess. But a beautiful old mess.