The darkest part of the human body. From
it comes rushing something much more toxic than chemicals, neurons connecting
messages to basic automated movement or muscle memory. From this dark part
comes the depths of deception, the depths of basic instincts, the war between
wants and needs, the battle between rational and irrational, the conflict
between identity and the losing of ones self. From the depths of darkness comes
the rushing of thoughts.
Thoughts! Ego! Cognitive! Imagination!
Conscious! The subconscious and the unconscious. Too and fro they move
between left and right, temporal and frontal, frontal and cerebellum. Thoughts
go racing backwards and forwards trying to keep up with the memory pathways and
then disappearing with atrophy as one part of the mind is no
longer used, and therefor must be discarded to out energy into newer roads.
There is one part that continues to
plague, that is often suppressed, hidden. A Pandora's Box. Memory is that
growth, although hidden; it is what underpins our response, our reactions, our
pain, and our joy. It directs our emotions. It subconsciously controls us.
Every interaction we enjoy, tolerate or avoid is dictated by memory. It
remembers hurt, not the physical pain, but the reaction that is the
emotion that came from the hurt. This builds or dissipates within the
darkness. It is either forgotten or allowed to fester beneath the surface until
memory is awakened. All it needs is a threat, a smell, vision, sound something
that ignites it. Then the emotions of that original experience
come rushing forth like a tsunami. It sends you into a downward spiral of
disintegration, you revert back to fight or flight. You battle the irrational
nature of such feelings, such emotions. It doesn't seem to match the
experience. It seems like an over reaction, yet the emotion's so real as memory
sets in. It tries to warn you that to move forward with this experience, with
this potential threat, could leave you in the same turmoil of when you
first experienced the emotion. Your thoughts, sifting through the imagined and
reality, plague you. You strive to find truth within your mind, yet there is no
truth that exists there, it is fact distorted by perspective, by personal experience,
by emotions, by your unique genetic makeup and your unique chemical
balance.
For many of us, exiting this state of
mind is simple. We can control the thoughts that then control the emotion thus
controlling the reaction. However, for many of us experiencing heightened
stress, anxiety and depression it is exhausting. Our physical,
emotional, mental and social rationale cannot be worked through simply. It
is a continual grappling of truth. It is a continual doubt of ourselves. It is
increased paranoia where we cannot see anything right about ourselves. For
those who view it from the outside without any understanding it is
misunderstood as selfish, self observed, weakness, inability to cope, a
need to be stronger, a need to be better, a need to suck it up. But from
the inside... all energy is used, we are sucked dry by the internal
workings of our brain that never stops, that over analyses, that continues
to feel discord between ourselves and those around us. The impact of this
on ourselves and those around us is life changing. We need people who
understand, we need people who are forgiving, we need people that understand
the need for us to have positive affirmation constantly, we need people
who won't tire of us, we need people who can just sit in silence and allow
our brain to be but understand how much we need their presence.
Unfortunately, often we do not see the
damage we do; we do not see our own failings in broken relationships. For those
of us who do see it, we once again add more to the inner scream.
We suppress the need to express our true emotions, and with the need to
preserve the friendships and interactions we have, to protect them from the
inner workings of mind, we must hide, avoid, medicate, self talk, exercise,
pray, rest our way through moments of scream. We must be aware of our impact on
those around us, we must be aware that despite our search for truth amongst the
paranoia that we are greatly loved and we need to continue to try and be
our better selves for those who love us. For our inner scream is not an excuse,
but a reason for why we respond the way we do. We must not sit and blame but do
whatever we can to be the ruler of the scream. To be the ones that dictates it
rather than allowing it to control us.
The scream is not my God. It will
not control me. It will not be my truth. It will not wreck my relationships. I
will not allow it.
Edvard Munch (1893)
