Matriarch

Absolute perfection. She is nothing less than perfection. She is the matriarch of our family. She does not command this title nor demand it. She is the matriarch because she embodies what it is to be a mother to all. We are stronger because of her, we are better people because of her and we are able to stand independently to face an ever changing world because of her.

Whenever we are in need she delivers abundant generosity. She gives of herself completely to her family, sacrificing herself to the needs of others. She never puts herself first and before she cares for herself she is fixedly looking after all around her. This has often been at the expense of her own needs and wants. Truly sacrificial to the needs of her children and grandchildren.

She has the ability to see the potential in everyone. Where others find fault, she sees the limitless capabilities that we have. She doesn't accept what is and works hard to make things better to ensure we are all on the path to achieve what we thought would never be possible.

Her grandchildren adore and love her beyond belief. They love her kindness to them, her caring nature. They are nurtured by her gentleness and unwavering love. They look forward to sleepovers, delighting in their favourite dinner that she especially cooks. They see her as a nurturer who cuddles them when they are sick, stroking their precious foreheads. They respect her rules and delight in her genuine love for them. They know that she will never push away a cuddle or resist being smothered in hugs and kisses. They love that she sits and talks to them as she tucks them in at night, knowing that any worry will be listened to and heard.

She is a woman who gives of herself to others. She is unselfish and loving. She seeks the goodness in all because she is goodness herself. She is the matriarch. She is Grandmother. She is mother in-law. She is mum.

The Fraud

"There is only one failure in life possible, and that is not to be true to the best one knows." George Eliot

The Fraud

Have you ever walked around feeling like you are the biggest fraud? Enveloped by fear, you continue to check over your shoulder. You analyse the looks of people around you. You question "do they know?" they must. How could you think that you could get away with pretending to be yourself? Is it even your true self? Or are you merely trying to copy something you will never become and the only person you are fooling is yourself. Everyone else knows that you are a fake. A fraud.

John Myatt had the amazing gift to copy any of the masters artworks. He was able to imitate the artworks of the greats; Chagall, Monet, Van Gogh to merely name a few. And in his infamy he has become famous as one of the biggest fraudulent artists of the 20th Century. So much is his fame that there is even a movie in the making to depict his life.

However, it was not uncommon for some of the greats to employ apprentices to finish painting their artworks. Rembrandt was notorious for having his apprentices paint the works that he then would become famous. There are many works that are no longer attributed to Rembrandt, but attributed to the "Rembrandt Workshop". Is this then Fraudulent considering the master over saw the work and guided the students in completing the vision of the art works?

Or do you walk around with the weight on your shoulders thinking that you will never cut it? Here you are living the life you are, and for some reason you still feel like a fake. I began feeling like this when I started running. I loved the feeling of beginning to achieve something in regards to such a sport. However, I would never have considered myself a runner. It took time for me to take on such a title, especially when I saw so many people run faster than  me on the bike track, they were running further than me on the Facebook page I joined, they looked like runners. All the time I felt like a zombie leaping slightly rather than slowly dragging one foot slowly behind the other. Eventually I got over this. I felt the encouragement of others, especially runners.

But then once again I felt like a fraud when I joined a running page and received some clothing that I could wear to show that I was a member. It took me three months to even brave wearing the head band. I felt like I would be called out. That I would be labelled a try hard. That people would laugh at the laughable sight of me even thinking that I could consider myself part of this group that women ran in. But once again I felt the encouragement of the group. That women who ran Ultra marathons acknowledged my smallest achievements was an immeasurable boost in my confidence.

I then joined a running program that involved logging your runs that would then have you virtually run the distance of the country. This was a fun activity the would continue to motivate me. With this I gained a complementary shirt that had the activity name on it. This time it took a shorter amount of time to wear it. I still felt like a fraud though. But I began to feel more comfortable with my achievements and the shirt began to frequent my running gear rotation.

The fraud inside is sometimes one of our biggest mental enemies. It tells us we are not good enough. The fraud tells us to stop trying. It likes to beat us down and lead us to believe that we are of no value to anyone or any group. How do you beat the fraud? First of all, none of us have been created to be frauds. We have all been created to be unique. No one is like us and no one will ever be like us. Therefore wear the banner of "you" with pride. When you try things that are out of your comfort zone, try it boldly. Don't allow the fraud to take part in your new ventures. When you look at someone else and you feel yourself envying them and wanting what they have, remember they too are feeling the same way and that there is someone else that they are looking at in the same way. The biggest thing that I learnt over my running journey... that I in no way am a fraud. I am continually finding Kate somewhere and this is a journey that is uniquely mine to have, enjoy, reflect on, change and control. It is my journey and in no way is it up to the fraud to sabotage.

Picture: John Myatt
http://www.johnmyatt.com accessed 21/2/2017

Farewell to Another ...

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

and never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

and auld lang syne*?

CHORUS:

For auld lang syne, my jo,

for auld lang syne,

we'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet,

for auld lang syne.

And surely ye'll be your pint-stoup!

and surely I'll be mine!

And we'll tak' a cup o’ kindness yet,

for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We twa hae run about the braes,

and pou'd the gowans fine;

But we've wander'd mony a weary fit,

sin' auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn,

frae morning sun till dine;

But seas between us braid hae roar'd

sin' auld lang syne.

CHORUS

And there's a hand, my trusty fiere!

and gie's a hand o' thine!

And we'll tak' a right gude-willie waught,

for auld lang syne.

- Robert Burns

For some the New Year will but another ticking of the clock. A mere awakening to another sunrise. It will be but a whisper in their mind that the day merely marks a mental note to change not only the day, month when signing the date, but to also adjust the year. 

For many it will mark the end of a year. An end of a year that was filled with tragedy. It was filled with devastating news, both abroad and in their own nation. For many it is much closer to home. It marks the end of the year where they lost a loved one, lost a child, lost employment, lost a relationship, lost good health and a plethora of many other things that we could add to the list that would label 2016 as "the worst year ever".

For others they will look back as their "best year yet" as they felt blessed with many of life's joys. Their year marked many beginnings, it marked many firsts that brought absolute joy. The year saw for them relationships grow, births, homes made and health just get better and better. It was a year that will be memorable as year of absolute wonderment for it brought so much happiness, and with hope the following year will bring just as much joy, but will most likely pale in comparison. 

For many it will mark a new beginning. A chance to make new relationships, new health promises, work commitments, a year to plan holidays, to celebrate good health or recovery. It will be a chance to find new hope inhumanity. It will be a chance to renew commitments. Or even a chance to completely remake oneself.

The artwork above devotes itself to farewelling anger. There is a glow surrounding the two people walking the long stretch of the path. The darker colours dissipate towards the bright illuminous oranges, yellows and reds of the trees and path. The couple walk together, side by side into the bright hope at the end of the cobbled road. Although I feel there are many reasons for me to look back on 2016 with anger, frustration, exhaustion and sadness, I also look back on a year that had many joys. It was a year filled with great achievements and small glimpses of joy in everyday life. However, more than the highs and lows comes to me an even greater reflection. I see a year that shaped me. It has shaped me to be a person who can look ahead into 2017. I want to try not to look on 2016 and dwell on what it did not achieve, or lament the bad decisions I made, or brood over all that went wrong. I want to look back on 2016 and acknowledge the pain, the anger, the hurt, the frustration, the loss as it has matured me and I want to reminisce on the joys, hopes, growth and accomplishments that have refined me. 

I farewell 2016 as it should be farewelled and I welcome a new year that will bring many more experiences, be they failing or uplifting. 

Farewell to Anger- Leonid Afremoz (2015)

Tsunami

It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.

Noel Coward

I stood this evening at my local beach watching the pattern of waves make way to shore. I stood expectantly as they came closer to the rocks and pool to see a spray of white wash being forced into the air, but it did not come. The waves for some reason died down as they approached the rocks, obviously the perpetual force dwindling.

I have lived on the coast all my life and I can never imagine leaving it. I can watch the waves crashing to shore for what would seem like a life time. I love looking at the tide lines gradually creep in and then gradually move out. I like observing the change in colour as the water reflects the weather and hides the deep. There is an uncertainty about the ocean and often it is referred to as unpredictable.

Growing up near the water and also as the daughter of an oceanographer/climatologist and being married to an environmental scientist has taught me a lot about the predictability of the ocean. The ocean works with predictability. I will not claim by any means to understand its complexity but for some reason there is so much about the ocean that offers me time for reflection amidst the turbulence of life.

This week was a turbulent week and it felt like the shoreline was not offered any respite or given any reprieve from the bombardment of waves. The outgoing current and sandbank did not seem to reduce the impact and I have come out the other end weathered and slightly eroded. By no means has my week suffered the natural disaster like many others I know. My storm was merely that; a continuation of repetitive swells that barrelled and white washed the fine grains of sand. This storm can be recovered from with little damage and minor impact. It is often thought that once eroded there is no repair, the damage is done. However, although the rough seas and high tides remove form the shoreline. The calm gentle even spilling breakers gradually restore it. Sand deposits move back in with calm water building the fringe where water meets land.

The tsunami however, changes the landscape forever. It leaves a path of devastation, everything  at the mercy of the sharp generated insurgence of water. It destroys. The havoc wrecked by this natural occurring event is not even fully realised or comprehended till weeks, months or even years later.  It requires the coming together of communities and countries to try and bring back some normality. Normality will never come. Everyone has to be willing to change to create a new normal, a new life, a new expectation of what the future will hold.

How can I tell if my week is merely a squall, a storm that will pass by the light of the new day? or if it is the devastating tsunami. I think we can definitely define devastating quite clearly in some instances: loss of a home, loss of a loved one, loss of a country, loss of a friendship, loss of a marriage, loss of a child, gaining of an illness. There are many more that I think could be added. However, I find it sometimes hard when it comes to anxiety the ability to determine what is the passing storm and what is the tsunami. For many events it can feel like a continual tsunami where no gathering of help has had the chance to occur and rebuild before being knocked down again with the wall of water. This is a hard thing with anxiety, the ability to rationalise the severity of events dwindles and everything can become a continual fall into the depths of the spinning whirlpool created by the tsunami.

Beware this trap. It is not one that can often be empathised with, nor is it one that many people around us can withstand for long. It has the appearance of selfishness, while none is intended. It seems like neediness, when just a friendly smile, hug or embrace was required. It came seem like ungratefulness when there is so much thanks even within the continual droning whinge that comes from the tongue. It is important and necessary that we continue to try and think "is what I am experiencing a mere storm that I will be able to withstand and recover from, or is it a tsunami, in which case more assistance is required, a community of support, more than just our closest friends. Although our closest friends and family are still a great necessity during these times. Regardless of situation we need to try and determine the difference in our life of a storm or a tsunami.

Golden Fractures

I always appreciated the magnitude of my mother's imagination. She always saw beauty in what was broken, and she'd preserve it.

Blake Lively

Pottery was never a skill that I was able to work with when I studied Art. No matter how much I tried to mould the clay, smooth it or manipulate it, I could never achieve what I wanted. In the end I gave up and stuck to other art mediums that I managed to achieve more satisfaction. I always admired the different sculptures that I would stand in awe and marvel at when I visited the Galleries with a desire to improve my own artistic ability. I would look at the negative and positive space of Moore's "Helmet" and as I moved through the gallery the perfect sculpting of the human forms created by Bertram Mackennal using bronze left me awe. There was such beauty in all of these sculptures and everything captured perfectly.

The strange thing about art is that it aims to capture so many different things. It will capture the perfection of creation while reflecting its devastation. While one artist shows great accomplishment in replicating life in it's truest form, another artist shows great accomplishment by divulging the inner vulgarity of human frailty in abstract. Perfection in art cannot be defined as it is as boundless as the universe. 

It is a mistake for us to try and achieve perfection. If we endeavour to achieve perfection we will only be met with continued disappointment and anxiety. I have often fallen for this perfection trap. I want to be the perfect human being. I want to be perfect as a wife, mother, friend, daughter and in my job. I want to be perfect in my cooking (hence why I rarely cook), perfect in my painting, perfect in my teaching, perfect in my housekeeping, perfect in anything I take on. It is perhaps for this reason of seeking perfection that I have really failed to master any areas of interest. The reason being that if I can't achieve perfection then why on earth should I try at all! Why put any effort into something that if I don't achieve perfection or anything less than perfection would be considered a failure on my part?  

It has taken me many years to train myself out of this thinking. In fact it has taken cracks appearing in my life and the failure to prevent them for me to understand that these cracks are part of life, these cracks are necessary in life. An ancient Japanese Art form called Wabi Sabi acknowledged the beauty of imperfection. In fact such imperfections were desirable in pieces of ceramics. Wabi Sabi centres around the idea that things are incomplete, transient and imperfect. In this lies great beauty. That in what is broken, rotting, wearing or incomplete tells a stunning narrative. It tells a story of beauty and vulnerability. It is a true reflection of what life is. It shows that life is continually transient and moveable. Nothing in this world is withstanding. There is beauty in this. I truly believe that it is important that we embrace our brokenness. We need to acknowledge how time has weathered us and worn us. We need to be open that as we move through life we will make mistakes and that perfection is not a reality that can ever be achieved. In my brokenness I can now see that I have become a stronger person, I have become wiser, I have become more compassionate as my brokenness humbles me to see the brokenness in others and the need they have for understanding. I have had to become less critical of the world around me and more introspective. 

As I approach Christmas I often hear conversations with others about their upcoming family events. We often joke about a day with relatives being draining, painful or exhausting. I hear stories from people about the one relative that they tolerate, or the relative they are trying to extend the hand of peace towards but are unsure of how others in the family may view it. We look at other people's families and wonder why can't my family be like that for Christmas? Instead of looking like a perfectly moulded bronze sculpture, our family is like a pile of clay that has been on the pottery wheel spun out of control. Our families are versions of Wabi Sabi and we need to be conscious that perfection does not exist in any family.  

As much as I would like to say that I have achieved a higher state of being and am accepting of all things in acknowledgement of its perfect imperfections, I cannot and nor do I ask that anyone else do so. In fact part of our human imperfection is that our imperfections clash and can be volatile when put with another imperfection. This brings me to another Japanese art form called "kintsugi". Kintsugi is the art of filling in the cracks or remoulding or shaping part of a broken piece of pottery with gold or silver mixed with a resin. It does not hide the cracks or mask them, it completes the form; making it beautiful. 

Many people will try and fill the cracks with their own understanding of gold and silver resin. However, for me there is only one thing that can fill my brokenness with gold and that is the love that I have received from God. There are times when I try to fill it with my little addictions. Things that help me to cope such as chocolate, coffee, shopping, escape through watching a television series or getting  a massage. But these things only provide a temporary fix, it is a mediocre fix compared to what the gold resin does in Kintsugi. Only the love of God is perfect enough to bring perfection to the cracks. And it this love that I have received that then I can see the people in my life that God has placed around me that also helps to fill in those cracks and love me despite the imperfections. 

Counting the Layers

It's our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they fun when they happen? No. But they are what make us unique. And that's what I know for sure... I think.

Ellen DeGeneres

This has been another one of my favourite artworks. It is an art work of great beauty and depth. In the true form of Jackson Pollack, he intertwined think layers of paint of different kinds and colours. Amidst the layer of paint are shards of glass, that from a distance cannot be viewed but up close protrude from the entangled hues. This is a painting that was greatly misunderstood when it was introduced to the Australian Public in 1973. However, it is an artwork that many have come to just accept without any appreciation, that many have come to recognise as symbolic of Australia's move into the 20th Century of Art appreciation and that many from the outset celebrated it's uniqueness recognising the genius work of Pollack.

Up close to this painting you can see how the dominant blue poles protect, shape and restrict the explosive mess of colour that is pulled in multiple directions underneath them. The blue poles stand strong with slight movement extending from them in similar directions showing a flow, a sense of symmetry and compliance with the direction of the artwork. However, when you look below these 'blue poles" you see the multiple directions of the oil and aluminium based paint. You can see that tubes of colour have been used to create density on the canvas, there is depth and as you allow your eyes to seep deeper into the intoxicating swirls and lines of the artwork you enter an endless map where neither beginning or end can be found as one colour is manipulated to fall under the protrusion of another colour. This was a deliberate technique that Pollack experimented with in his artworks. He was not only interested in the standard placement of the paint in any traditional form, but wanted to see how the paint could be manipulated without the intrusion of the artists brush. The canvas would be laid flat on the floor and the paint placed in layers, then he would lift the canvas, tilting it and manipulating its physical direction to allow the paint to feel the gravitational pull and weight of the other layers of paint, experimenting with the viscosity of the paints to achieve random directions underneath he sturdy blue poles. This experimentation also include the placement of glass shards to see how the paint would move around the sharp obstacle depending on the tilt. The result, paint that has moved over the shards; while other colours were separated by the glass and then reunited at the bottom after a momentary separation.

This artwork is a perfect description of the human heart, soul and mind and it's interaction with the world around us both physically, mentally, socially, emotionally and spiritually. We are all these beautiful layers of bursting colour and depending on the situations we find ourselves often determines whether we are strong enough to move over obstacles or we allow ourselves growth through separation, through tearing, being moulded and shaped into something new, the changing of paths and directions. Regardless of how we are shaped and changed in moments of obstacles, the glass is still sharp, it's edges still cut and wound us. This is to be expected in a world where we are twisted and tilted in the face of a change. It is going to hurt. We are going to want to surrender to hopelessness and loss. We are going to shut ourselves off to the world and others, and remain in our own paradigm pretending that there is nothing wrong. Change hurts. Change is effort. Change is inevitable. But with the ever developing layers of who we are, we have been made to be malleable, ductile, supple, adaptable and workable. Although we have been made to be all of these things, we do not need to sacrifice who we are. We have been made to be an explosion of God's colour, he has designed us with strengths and vulnerabilities that are precious. He designed every cell of who we are. Pollack subjected the paint to obstacles and stresses, the paint due to its diversity and resilience was able to withstand where required. God has blessed us with the same pliability and resilience as the paint, he wants us to be vulnerable to show his grace and his strength and he wants us to be strong to show that we stand in faith. His rod and staff like blue poles will always guide us, protect us and contain us when need be. We must not be afraid that in this ever changing world that we are going to change, that in this ever-changing world we will go through moments of hopelessness and in this ever-changing world we are going to move through obstacles with explosive colour. Our layers are many, they have made us who we are and at different times in our life these layers will change and grow to continue to allow us to adapt and change while withstand the change that we feel we must stand firm against.

"Blue Poles" -Jackson Pollack

Sadness

Some days are just bad days, that's all. You have to experience sadness to know happiness, and I remind myself that not every day is going to be a good day, that's just the way it is!

Dita Von Teese

I recently took my children to see the Movie Inside Out. It must be said that when it comes to cartoons, Pixar/Disney writers really know what they are doing. They don't just produce movies that entertain and throw children through heroic main characters that fit the mould of successful or desirable. Don't get me wrong, I have a strong affection for Disney Princesses etc. However, my favourite movies are the ones that teach my children an abstract concept about reality that helps them to understand life that little bit more. I also love how it helps me to explain these abstract concepts a little more clearly to my children.

To be honest, after Winnie the Pooh (although based on a novel), Brother Bear, Toy Story trilogy, Up, Brave, A bugs Life... Inside Out is one of my favourite. It is perhaps up there with my favourite because of how it dissects the mind and explains the way in which cognitive theory works. Through my experience of different psychologists this is the therapy that I have found most helpful. It works on identifying the thought, then understanding the emotion that comes with the thought and that then determines a response. Inside Out explains this perfectly. We see the event happen, the characters move in quickly with their correct emotion as they direct the mind with an appropriate reaction. 

However, Sadness seems to struggle to find her place within the beginning teenage years. Joy strains and bullies her way around the mind, trying to make sure that Joy is the dominant emotion. How often have we ourselves thought that happiness has to be the main emotion we feel and if it isn't then we are obviously an unsuccessful person. Joy tries to keep everything together. Sadness just keeps getting in the way. As Sadness and Joy come to conflict it all then falls apart. 

It is later in the movie when Joy rewinds one of the memories that she realises that emotions do not need to exist in isolation of the other. That in fact, on many occasions Joy could only be experienced through the an event that needed Sadness. What a beautiful dichotomy. Hope often has deeper meaning when we feel despair. When we find ourselves in moments of Sadness or others in moments in sadness, our immediate reaction is to try and find joy rather than experiencing the special moment of sadness. Sadness allows us to be vulnerable, it allows us to show we care, that we hurt... that we are human. Sadness has a most perfect place in our minds and our lives as it is an emotion that we learn from, that we grow from and that we often appreciate and experience joy from. We shouldn't fear sadness or shy away from it. But embrace it and allow others to experience it with us. 

My daughter had the opportunity to chose one of the characters from Inside Out to bring home as a plush toy. She straight away went to Joy, she was excited about Joy. I don't often like to interfere with my children's choices when they have been told that they can chose, however, I did want my four year old to consider her choice. I asked her to look at Sadness. She put Joy back on the shelf and looked at Sadness. She straight away grabbed Sadness and said "Sadness needs me more, she needs me to give  her hugs".

I was proud that my daughter understood an appropriate way of dealing with Sadness. That Sadness wasn't to be isolated and pushed aside, that she was to be nurtured and given human empathy, sympathy and love. It is in moments of Sadness that we can find and appreciate moments of Joy. I was proud that my child chose Sadness, I was even prouder that for the whole day she did not let Sadness go and made sure that at all times Sadness was cared for. Sadness was cuddled, spoken to gently, introduced to everyone we met, and was tucked into bed to keep her warm. 

From Sadness we can experience some of our greatest moments of Joy, and sometimes we need to acknowledge sadness in order to appreciate the moments of Joy.