Beauty is Pain

“As coal pressured into pearls by our weighty existence. Beauty that arose out of pain.” 
― Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire

If only we would listen to people when it really mattered. Why is it that I would always seek the approval from those around me that had no investment in who I was or who I could be? We doubt the words spoken from love and honesty and we continue to feel the need to pursue more and gain more. I speak of the abstract idea of beauty. When I was young I would look in the mirror endlessly and would struggle to see anything beautiful. I would read countless girl magazines to try and get a grasp on how to be more stunning and desireable. On one page of the magazine would be a highly feminist article encouraging young girls to be themselves and to appreciate the beauty from within. While adjacent to the page was an advertisement pushing the need for beauty to be worked on and only achieved through products.

This idea is nothing new and it is perhaps something that we all have struggles with in our teens, even the Audrey Hepburns of the world. But my insecurities about my appearance only worsened as acne raided my skin, my social group at school were all pursued by boys, and I was the one left on the bench struggling to even see how any boy would even want to talk to someone as unattractive as me. The insecurities travelled deep and I became this moody teenager, ugly on the outside and on the inside. I was a smart girl and very conscientious, qualities that were only valued by some teachers, as many teachers still gave undivided attention to the 'beautiful people'. Eventually you could have made me part of the Abnegation faction, I didn't want to look in mirrors and hated going to the hairdressers as I would have to face myself and some stunning hairdresser cutting my hair.

I am definitely not as insecure now as I was in my teens. I do not feel ugly like I did then. I still worry about my appearance and sometimes even think that my husband must be crazy to have wanted to marry me because there were definitely much prettier girls out there. But, I have learnt that I must change my outlook for the sake of my girls. I remember the words my Dad would say to me, telling me I was beautiful. I remember thinking he just says that because he is my Dad. But now I realise the truth of what he meant. My beauty existed from the person God was moulding me to be. Every Day I grew to be more confident, strong and determined. As much as what being a teen hurt and was painful I realise now that I am better for it. I see more beauty in myself than I ever did, because I have lived.

It was important for me to hear my parents compliment me, because it taught me how I needed to encourage my own children. I often have to remember, that every time I agonise over my appearance wishing for more beauty that my two daughters are also standing there watching me model dissatisfaction in how God made me. My son sees that women are never satisfied. Do I want my girls to grow with this same feeling of insecurities I did merely because they see me constantly analyse my imperfections? I want them to see me as a pearl that the sea has moulded and grown, that has been through change and reactions to finally be something of value.

The Painting The Sea Hath its Pearls reminds me that I need to be less aware of my physical appearance and more interested in the delights of the world around me. Perhaps it is because the girl walks along the beach delighting in the pearls of the ocean she has found. The girl is a Pearl herself, so beautiful and rare, she is her own person, not indulging in the reflection of the water but in what the world can offer. I don't want to waste time always considering my looks, indulging in my vanity, I need to set aside vanity and look at the beauty the world brings in my children, husband, friends, nature, the beach, love and everything else. But most of all I need to allow myself to be satisfied with what a mirror can never see. I need to be satisfied with me. The soul and spirit of who I am. I need to be satisfied with the qualities that have come over time, through hardship and trials and I need to value who I am.

My daughter caught me one day eyeing my appearance in the mirror. She looked up at me and smiled. I was wearing a long skirt (nothing special or fashionable) and her eyes lit up. She told me with absolute conviction "Mum, you look like a princess" I am a pearl to my daughters, I am a pearl to my husband, family and friends and I am beginning to find the pearl that they see inside of me.

The Sea Hath its Pearls (1897)
William Henry Margetson